So what's it to a girl who graduated college. There shouldn't be anything wrong with me. I went to university (and yes it took me extra time) and got my degree. (And yes I am in loads of debt because of it). IT! A DEGREE! It's supposed to be my ticket. Well where the hell am i going anyway? I bought a hundred thousand dollar ticked to the abyss of confusion. It's great here at the Abyss. I love the random stress episodes stemming from a feeling of worthlessness. I have learned to embrace the anxiety rooted in a lack of purpose and fear that I will never actually do all of the dreams I thought I wanted when I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
What does this make me now? Something like Eeyore or perhaps making my way to a middle ground of being Pooh- the wise level-headed chub. Sometime ago I was certainly tigger, the bouncing around world changer.
(Oh categories. I hate them and I love to put myself in them. Personality tests are seriously a kick for me.)
So now I am wondering if I should be Pooh... You know... balance the prophesy, passion and zeal with wisdom, discipline and faithfulness. Why is it that the last trio there seems so drab? Where is the emotional high in discipline? There isn't one. For so long in my life, in my spirituality, I have chased highs. An addiction to goosebumps and emotional euphoria isn't something to go to rehab for, but it's an issue- especially when a foundation is built upon that. That is wavering is what that is.
No I'm not having a faith crisis, (at least not any more than my average once a day faith crisis). Foundations built on emotional hand raising moments aren't that great. And they're not that solid. I don't think that I am alone here. So much of our culture today is about raised hand moments, and I'm not just talking about Jesus Camp.
I am still very young and I used to be younger. Duh. Young eyes look for charisma and flashes of bright light. My eyes are aging (in addition to the fact that I have had glasses since I was two and i have a LAZY EYE. It made my mom cry. Fun fact.) Hype is lost on me these days. For those of you who have always been cool enough to disregard hype: kudos to you. But I have a sweet tooth and I have been mucho swayed by the sugar of lights-camera-action-Jesus.
Now I am learning about best-friend-Jesus, even-when-it-hurts-Jesus. I'm up for it because I know that the other stuff isn't worth it, world high or Jesus high. It's just not worth the lie and the let down. I am looking for rhythm. The rhythm of prayer and carrying peace; I don't mean looking like a just downed three pixed stix at all times. I want to be fulfilled in the morning by his love and go to bed easy- that kind of thing.
There is so much more than roller coaster. It is breath to have God inside of us, not a drug or sugar, but AIR. Thanks for air God. :)